I watched the Season 2 premiere of Red Table Talk with Will Smith as the guest and it was so damn good! There is so much to unpack but I really wanted to focus on one thing.
In this episode, Will and Jada discuss how they got to a place in their relationship where Jada kinda cussed Will out. Will pulled her aside (well he said he slapped her upside the head with a newspaper!) and let her know if you think you can speak to me that way then this relationship is over. Will was brought up in an abusive home and was not going to tolerate any kind of disrespect that could turn into verbal or physical abuse. Jada respected his wishes and they made a conscience effort to stay away from behavior that would bring the ugly out.
Jada's mom asked how they were able to do that successfully? How is it possible in the heat of the moment when both are angry, to not go there? Jada said, "DISCIPLINE." We disciplined ourselves to handle it within ourselves then come to each other and communicate. We realized our behavior only made things worse when we were cruel to each other. You are beating up on someone you love. Will said he would say to Jada in the moment that he can't be loving, he can't be kind so you have to let me go..
I immediately felt guilty. I thought about all the times I spoke in anger. I thought about all the times I didn't have the control to say to someone I can't be loving towards you right now so I need to walk away. I am such a say what I want person especially when in a situation where I've been disrespected or hurt. Even when I ask for time to process it, it's usually to give me more time to think of some really mean things to say. Twisted, I know.
I want to be more loving and I have to remember that being more loving means controlling my emotions until I am able to express them in a manner that is kind to others. I thought silence was my way of being loving. But truthfully it's not, because how will that person know how they hurt me so they don't hurt me again? My silence also gives into my fears. The fear of letting someone in on a secret and having them use it against me. By admitting they hurt me, it makes me vulnerable and when you are upset with someone you want to appear in your greatest strength.
Will made me realize that men can be loving. Men can take your feelings and treat them with love and respect. Men can be kind. There is a way to communicate without all hell breaking loose if you are both committed to respecting one another. They made me realize that I can be loving and be loved.
#dearAnger I need a minute