Bald
I took 5 days to have quiet time with myself and God some time ago. I stayed away from pretty much everything and really just rested in the silence. I love when I have this kind of time to myself, it allows me to take the time to clear my head and my heart.
I've fasted before, I've taken time out for myself before, I've been quiet before, but there was something different about this time.
On day 6 I woke up in my bed and I felt this push, like physically, to cut off all my hair. The first time I heard it I just told myself to calm down and go back to sleep. LOL Then I heard it again and it was so heavy that I just jumped out of my bed and grabbed some scissors.
I have been dealing with Alopecia for years but even before the alopecia, I dealt with insecurity about my hair forever. I never thought it was long enough, full enough, colored enough, curly enough, or straight enough. I just never thought it was good enough. I literally had not worn my hair out in years and during that time I developed alopecia.
Bald spots began to just appear, seriously overnight and I just ignored it because I didn't like my hair anyway. Sidebar: Isn't it amazing how the things that cause us the most pain we avoid, as if avoiding it makes it better or disappear? Anyway, it had gotten to a point where I couldn't get braids anymore because the spots were so large. Then I couldn't get weaves anymore because what was I going to attach the weave to? My last resort was wigs.
So back to the morning I grabbed the scissors.
I went into my bathroom and locked the door. I prayed to God to give me the strength to JUST DO IT(shout out to Nike, I see you Kaepernick!). I was in total shock that I was going to do it that I had to record myself. I needed evidence, as if the bald head wouldn't be enough.
Snip.
Snip
Snip
After the first 3 cuts I began to weep and not your I can fight back the tears cry, but the they just shot Stevie from Set it Off cry, or the cry when Will's dad walked out on him on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Like really weeping.
There was no turning back, so I continued to cut.
Snip Snip Snip
All the hair fell into the sink and I just stared at it. I stared at all the hurt, the pain, the insecurities, the doubt, the fear, just everything. The release was so real I had to take a seat on my bathroom floor and just put my head in my arms. I was so overwhelmed all I could do was cry and scream, scream and cry. I gave myself the space to not be ashamed, I allowed myself to not be scared, I allowed myself to be myself.
As soon as I was finished I jumped in the shower and just stood under the water forever. I wish I could say that every hurt, all the pain, the fear, the insecurities went down the drain but it didn't. I wish it could be that simple! But I will say I felt good. I felt free.
And so now I still wear wigs! LOL I mean I love them regardless. And I'm still not as comfortable as I want to be but I am definitely happy and not hiding. After this moment I immediately shared the story with everyone on instagram for my own healing. I had no idea that people would be so encouraged and show so much support. It made me reflect on how your willingness to share can inspire others, your openness to reveal can help others with their healing.
So here I am..... FREE and Bald!
#dearAlopecia I am FREE.