In 2008 I spent 3 months in Thailand doing missionary work for a Christian Organization called YWAM. It was the greatest most devastating time in my life. When I tell people that, they look perplexed and require an explanation. I tell them, there is nothing like doing God's work. There is nothing like helping people. My time over there was extremely amazing but unfortunately it brought on a pain that I had no idea how to process.
I remember the day like it was yesterday, we were on the island of Ko Kho Khao. We had just arrived after taking a bus and a boat to get to the island which took us a day or two. During our journey we had no communication with those back home. Phone service was impossible and we had no time to stop at Internet cafes. So, we arrive and immediately my leaders check in with the home base to let them know we were okay. They were told during that call that my parents needed to reach me and to have me get with them as soon as possible. My heart immediately dropped out of my chest.
I call my dad right away and I could tell from the shake in his voice that this news would change my life forever. He proceeded to tell me that my brother had been murdered. I began to weep uncontrollably while my team leader stood over me and just cried with me as I tried to continue to talk. I needed to know what happened. I needed to know why. I needed to know who. I needed to know when. My dad gave me all the story he could and I can remember him just asking me if I was okay. I could hear his heart break through the phone because he could not be there with me, but I wonder if he could hear my heart break that I could not take care of him? The most unfortunate thing was because of the time difference and the difficulty of them reaching me, I missed the funeral. I could not be there to bury my brother, a pain that I've battled since 2008.
I left the conversation with my dad that day in shambles. I was devastated that I lost my brother. I was devastated that I couldn't be there for my dad. I was devastated that I couldn't save my brother. I was angry. I was angry that here I am doing "God's work" and I lose my brother. I immediately retreated to a room by myself for hours just to cry and grasp how this could happen. I just kept recalling a conversation with my brother that I had before I left about him moving to Jersey. I begged him. I told him that I wanted him here, that dad wanted him here, that my mom wanted him here but he just fought me on it. I don't know if it was out of fear or him just being stubborn, but he never budged. As I kept playing that call in my head over and over again, guilt hung on me like a cloak. I felt guilty for not trying harder, I felt guilty for not being able to be there, I felt guilty for not calling him enough. I felt guilty for not being & doing enough.
After a few days being isolated in my room, I prayed to God and told him I needed him to show up for me. I needed to know if I should stay and that night unlike any other night the sky lit up with twinkling stars. It was almost surreal. The rest of the trip actually turned into one of the greatest experiences of my life. But once I returned home I continued with my life and never took the time to deal with my heart and how my brother dying affected me. With the recent passing of Nipsey Hussle, that residual grief flooded me again. Nipsey was murdered and not in the same way or circumstances as my brother but it still brought up an array of emotions for me. I ended up taking some time away from social media because I just couldn't stop weeping. Not only because of my own grief but because of the pain his loved ones will endure. In the time away from the media I realized, YOU CAN'T RUN FROM GRIEF. And for the last 11 years I've been running in pain. I've had emotional ups and downs around this loss and never tried to fix it or even find a better way to cope with it. I haven't had a good night's sleep since 2008 because there are nights I'm in tears wondering was he scared, did he know I loved him, if I tried harder would he have moved to Jersey, will I ever see him again?
If you never deal with grief, grief will deal with you. Ignoring it because you have to be strong, dismissing it because life must go on, is tragic. You must take care of yourself, I must take care of myself. This blog is making me do that so I can stop suffering because I think I deserve it. Exposing myself like this will cause me to find the time I need to heal. I'm scared, I'd be crazy not to be but I know just like In Thailand God won't let me down. Pray for my peace as I pray for yours.
#dearD I miss you...